hypocritical oath

(Source: g0ldenruless)

taco-bell-rey:

Porn blogs still posting porn until December 17th is the equivalent of the band playing while the Titanic was sinking.

starwarsisgay:

The holiday season is coming up and if you’re being rude to a retail worker while they’re pulling off a 12+ hour shift cause it’s a holiday, you’re going directly to hell and i’m sending you there myself. 

(Source: jewbians)

gucci-flipflops:

thegaysassyfrenchy:

squirtle-daddy:

alwaysabeautifullife:

alwaysabeautifullife:

alwaysabeautifullife:

alwaysabeautifullife:

alwaysabeautifullife:

alwaysabeautifullife:

So I’ve been ruining my kids lives by saying “weird flex but ok” to everything and when I do it they scream no and tell me they’re running away and I made this lovely photo lemme get it

Ok so I need some help coming up with the absolute worst “to flex on” live memes ever to pretend I’m an even more really lame parent. they don’t have to make sense but they need to be absolutely awful yet believable enough that it isn’t obvious I’m intentionally trying to be more lame

Here’s the ones I came up with so far

“You ever just eat a well balanced diet and exercise daily to flex on heart disease?”

“You ever just boil chilies to flex on your eyes?”

“You ever just be cool to flex on your kids?”

“You ever just use sanitizer to flex on 99.9% of all bacteria and viruses?”

“You ever just turn all the lights and up the heater to flex on Dad?”

Catholic edition:

“You ever just like receive the sacraments frequently to flex on Satan?”

“You ever just like love your Mom to flex on Protestants?”

So I executed the first one in the kitchen then I dabbed and my son didn’t say anything he just set down his pomegranate and walked out the front door with no shoes on and now he’s walking down the street

Ok so I walked down the block and I found him

Update

Your son is named Egg.

Every part of this is hilarious

mynamebatman:

blueelectricangels:

pervocracy:

are you ready for my favorite fact?

If you leave a hamster wheel out in the forest, wild mice will come and run on it.

that is my favorite fact

Bobcats and lynx will sit in cardboard boxes abandoned in the middle of the forest.

I asked the lynx researcher who told me this why, and he said “Cats, man” and shrugged.

This is now an “if I fits, I sits” appreciation thread.

just-shower-thoughts:

Being a pet owner is like being a sugar daddy. You waste all of your money on keeping them happy, and the only thing they do is look cute and give you attention sometimes.

jouthejoker:

i love those “i know you’re asleep but” texts

notevensneaky:

teaboot:

scotchtapeofficial:

princess-peridot:

scotchtapeofficial:

it was a fucking house phone that i was so stoked to have because it was mine that i kept in my own room and i cannot believe technology has progressed at the speed of FUCKING light to the point where this is a hilarious artifact to have had in like 6th grade and now theres kindergarteners with iphones

How did you know if you dialed the right number

each button made a different tone so the numbers you dialed a lot became a subconscious melody in your head and if you hit the wrong button by accident it would sound like a wrong note in a song you know by heart

i can’t beleive that is a legitimate question in my lifetime

Other acceptable answer: the wrong person answers on the other end.

(Source: tamascotchi)

dollymattel:

bout 2 post a rly hot cumshow on snap !! 😇

click here n join the SnapGang!!!

or add my public snap @DollyMattel 💖